This Christmas, I was constantly reminded by my two-year-old daughter that it's all about "Baby Jesus."  And that is the real reason for the season.  I am glad that at such a young age, she understands that.  However, many celebrate the holiday season in different ways and for different reasons.  I have to confess that this year, it was all about spoiling my daughters.  I was even worried that Christmas would be anti-climatic (for me) because I was so excited to see the looks on my daughters' faces on Christmas morning   . . . but it wasn't.  My girls thoroughly enjoyed every gift Santa brought them.

Back to "real."  When we talked with our daughters about Christmas, we mentioned Santa.  We mentioned "Baby Jesus."  And we mentioned gifts.  We didn't bring up the word "real."  Maybe this is because I am rather sensitive about the word.  Why?  Allow me to explain.

The other day, I went shopping in my home town.  Someone who had just recently seen both of my daughters said to me, "Your daughter is so adorable!" 

"Which one?!" I joked.

Her response:  "The real one."

The real one?!?  Is my adopted daughter a figment of my imagination?  Is she any less real than the one to whom I gave birth?!?  I couldn't believe it.  (And since I had a c-section with Baby #2, I never really gave birth to either . . . so neither are "real.")

My response:  "Yes, she's adorable.  Both of them are."

Wouldn't it be nice to really say what we really want to say?  Instead of what I said, it would have been so refreshing to put it all out on the line, "Hey, moron . . . BOTH of my daughters are pretty darn real to me."

We were really there when Jai was really born.  We were there when a judge declared her really legally ours.  We were really there when we found out she had had a real stroke.  We have been there for every real moment of her life.

When people ask why Jai is "behind," I'd love to say, "Because some jerk decided to be the living crap out of her!"  Or when they find out she's physically delayed, they ask, "How is she mentally?"  Translation:  Is she dumb?  I want to say, "How are YOU mentally?"  The lack of sensitivity kills me!

At first, I didn't share Jai's story with anyone except family.  I was worried people would think we lacked good judgment for adopting a special needs child - although her disability was not yet discovered.  Then, I realized it was important to share her story.  Selfishly, I wanted her to gain sympathy.  And I wanted people to know that we were not responsible for her disability.  Later on, I realized that it helped other parents when I shared my story.  I am a firm believer of "it could always be worse" . . . and for many parents, we were the "worse" that helped them get through their tough days. 

Just a few weeks ago, I was talking with Jai's Pre-K teacher.  I told her that she would be amazed at what people say to us . . . what people ask us.  And she was.  Her thought, however, was that it provided a great opportunity to educate others about special needs children and about the do's and don'ts of saying stupid stuff.  I agreed.  But should I be doing the educating?  My parents taught me to watch what I say and to think before I speak (which doesn't always work but I try).  I would NEVER have the audacity to ask someone about their "real" child or talk about their "retarded" child. 

As a parent of a child with special needs, I field a lot of questions.  As a parent of an adopted child, I field even more questions.  We get looks.  We get questions.  And I don't mind answering all of these questions or even joking about the looks we get as long as the person's intention is pure.  When others categorize my children as "real" and "non-real," I get a bit annoyed.

I apologize for venting via this blog.  But that's one of the reasons I felt this website was so important . . . to give parents a place to vent, to understand, to connect to others who really understand.  I know I am not the only parent who has had to deal with a variety of insensitive questions.  I welcome your comments and I applaud your answers to these insensitive questions you may receive from others.  Just know that you are not alone.

On Jai's first field trip with her Pre-K Special Education class, I was a nervous wreck.  It was the first time I had truly been around other parents with special needs children.  In the back of my mind, I guess I always thought that if we surrounded Jai with "typical" children, she really wasn't disabled . . . or delayed.  I remember feeling sick to my stomach while we waited for the bus to arrive at the field trip destination. 

As we waited, I realized that I didn't like being a mom of a special needs kid.  I love my child - no doubt - but I didn't want to be placed in this category and I so desperately wanted to keep Jai to myself and keep her out of the world of "special needs."  However, after wandering aimlessly throughout the field trip location with Jai in order to find something she and I could do together, I bumped into the swings.  And it must be said that Jai loves to swing.  I quickly placed her in a swing and we began to enjoy each other's company.

A few minutes later, another mother joined us.  And we began to chat.  Of course, one of the first questions a mother of a special needs child asks another mother of a special needs child is, "So, what's wrong with your child?"  (FYI:  this is rude coming from a parent with a "typical" child but it's an acceptable question in the world of special needs children.)

I felt an instant connection with this mother and when our time together abruptly ended, I longed to talk to her more. 

After a few weeks of wondering if I should get in touch with her, I contacted Jai's teacher to see if she could "pass on" a note from me to the other mother.  And she agreed to do so.  A few weeks later, we had our first phone conversation.  When I hung up (after our hour-long conversation), I felt like I had finished an amazing session with a therapist.  In fact, I felt like I was the therapist at times and she was the therapist at times.

My parents are incredible.  My sister is great.  My best friends are amazing.  But they just don't get it.  They are supportive and understanding and always there.  But until you are in the midst of raising a child with special needs, it is simply difficult to understand.  This mother understood me completely.  My frustrations.  My hopes for my daughter's future.  My concerns.  My stress.  My insanity.  She just understood.  And I understood completely her world.  In fact, we shared many things that we hadn't said aloud . . . just thoughts and concerns that we didn't feel right saying to others.

My new friend has quickly become one of my closest friends as she knows an aspect of me that others do not - and cannot - truly understand.  And she was the one who taught me that it's okay to hate the disability but love the child.  She doesn't know she taught me that . . . but she did.

As someone once said, "it takes a village."  And that's true.  And while our village is full of helpful, supportive, understanding, loving friends and family . . . my village desperately needed someone who was also raising a special needs kids.  I found that in my new friend.  And for that, I will always be grateful.

Well, the site is not quite ready but almost.  Our goal is still a January 1, 2009 launch date.  In order to successfully help as many families as possible, we need items ready for our launch!

Thus far, we have three items on the WANTED section.  I personally have three items to list under LISTINGS - one of which I know will go fast.  I have yet to post them as we are still working on the legal aspect of our site - Terms of Use.  Again, something that should be complete by January 1.

We have had hundreds of visitors already.  And we are hearing great response.  We've gotten, "Great website!" or "good idea!"  But what we're still waiting for are some listings that we can post for our launch.

Again, I urge you . . . if you have any items that you would like to recycle, please let us know.  The listings are free.  The items should be free.  It's a free and easy way to recycle, exchange, help others, etc.

And for all of our visitors to date, thank you for your enthusiasm!  Please be sure to return to the site once we have officially launched it!

It's almost midnight and I'm working on our new site, kidsDMExchange.org.  I hope we're ready to roll - with actual online listings - by January 1, 2009!

In the past three years, I cannot begin to tell you how many organizations have asked my husband and me to speak regarding services our daughter receives. 

Until this point, I have had no "cause."  One reason is because I had no desire to be the spokesperson for something related to our three-year-old special needs child.  Or to "exploit" my child for any organization - even if that organization had been incredibly helpful to her.  I want her to be a child.  I want her to be, quite honestly, the "n" word (normal - or whatever that is).  Having said that, I think it is great that parents with special needs children get involved and find a cause so that they can make a difference.  But it's just not me.

The second reason I have declined offers to speak is because my husband and I handle our situation in one of two ways:  we either laugh or we cry.  Put in a public setting as a speaker, I would either pop off something incredibly inappropriate - but maybe a bit funny - or start crying and spill every detail of our daughter's life.  The thought of one of these scenarios makes me very nervous.  And as my family and friends will tell you, my mouth - and my tears - are not easy to control.

So now I have a cause?!  Yes.  We fall into that bizarre category . . . we make too much money to receive assistance for our daughter yet we do not have thousands of dollars ready to be spent on durable medical supplies.  While I searched for used supplies for kids online, I was amazed that there wasn't much out there.  And when I looked at new gait trainers online, I nearly fainted!  Almost $1,800 for the gait trainer and all the necessary attachments!  I didn't have $1,800 . . . and I knew my insurance wouldn't cover it.  But my daughter needed it!

If we make a decent living but cannot afford this stuff, what about people who make less money than we do?  What about the other families who are "lost in the middle"?  They aren't poor enough.  They aren't rich enough.  They're left to obtain short-term loans, loans from family or friends, donations from their churches, credit card purchases (at crazy-high interest rates).  They're just stuck.

Just the other day, I was telling one of my clients about this website.  I said, "You really ought to get involved - be a sponsor and spread the word that you sell durable medical equipment for kids."  He said that was a good idea.  But he seemed a bit reluctant.  I said, "I know your children are healthy and fortunately have no disabilities . . . so why should you help?" I paused (for dramatic effect).  "Why should you help?!  Because if these children do not receive the help they need or the equipment that will make them more mobile and more functional, they will cost you more later on."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, a special needs child who might have the ability to eventually function independently and contribute to society but does not receive the tools will cost you in the form of taxes.  If you don't help now, you will most likely help later through government-funded programs to help special needs individuals."

His response . . . "good point."

If you can and if you desire, please donate what your child no longer needs.  Please list those items on this site.  And if you are a business, please donate in the form of sponsorship.  Come up with ways to help these children while also advertising your business!  Our hope is that this website will help so many children and so many families.  Our hope is that we can keep passin' along the equipment so that no child goes without.  This doesn't have to be your cause.  This doesn't have to be something you lose sleep over.  I will lose enough sleep for all of us!